Kellan: A Military Shifter Secret Baby Romance (Alpha Squad Book 1) Read online

  Or did she? Was I just deluding myself all these years? Had my decision to leave destroyed all the feelings Julia had for me? Had she spent the past five years hating me for choosing the Alphas over her?

  Damn. I felt weaker than I had in months as these questions and memories overwhelmed me. My head was pounding as Lacey’s words echoed in my mind. My arms and legs felt like jelly. My eyes and chest were heavy with crushing anxiety. I walked faster.

  I walked the perimeter around the town square three times, just trying to work through my emotions, before I decided to sit down for a few minutes. Not five minutes after I found a bench, Julia crossed the street right in front of me. She was moving quickly, her hips swaying slightly. I could see every curve of her body beneath her tight dress. Her dark hair caught the light perfectly. It was captivating. I was on my feet instantly. My bear immediately pounced into action. He wanted me to be with her, near her. Make this pain go away.

  “Julia!” I called, hurrying over to her. She glanced behind her and I saw her deflate when she realized it was me who was calling out to her. She slowed down, but didn’t stop. I jogged until I could fall into step beside her. She crossed her arms protectively over her chest and raised her chin. Her eyes remained focused in front of her. The expression on her face was one I knew all too well. She wore that same look every time we argued. Whenever I said something stupid or upset her in some way, she would cross her arms, raise her chin, square her shoulders, and glare into the distance.

  “Kellan,” Julia said with the tiniest of nods.

  “I was going to say hi at the wake, but you ran out of there pretty fast,” I said. I studied her face, waiting to see a reaction I recognized.

  “Yeah, it was getting crowded back there,” Julia said without emotion.

  “Well, it’s good to see you,” I said tentatively. “I’m sorry about your uncle.”

  “Thank you.” Julia’s voice was cold and I all I wanted to do was crack the ice and see the real her again.

  “How are your parents taking it?” I asked. My bear continued to pace just beneath the skin.

  “They’re fine,” she said. “Sad. Like all of us.”

  “Well, the wake was nice,” I said. “They did a great job. I’m sure Louis would have loved it.”

  “You didn’t even know him.”

  “No, but I knew of him,” I reminded her. “You told me stories about your whole family, remember?”

  “That was a long time ago, Kellan,” she said. “Things have changed.”

  “Like what?” I asked. There was a desperation in my voice I knew she could hear. Julia always knew me better than I knew myself.

  “Everything,” she sighed. “Everything has changed.”

  I walked beside her in silence. There were so many things I wanted to say, but none of them felt important enough. I glanced over at her every few seconds, hoping to catch her looking at me, but she never did. Her blue eyes were sparkling and she looked angrier than I’d ever seen her. Shit, the was going to harder than I thought.

  It amazed me how someone could be so angry and so beautiful at the same time. Even when she wouldn’t look at me. Even when I could tell she wanted nothing more than to be rid of me, she was the most gorgeous woman I’d ever seen.

  “Not everything. You’re still just as beautiful as ever,” I said softly. Julia flinched and I immediately regretted my words. “I’m sorry.”

  “What do you want, Kellan?” she demanded.

  “I just wanted to see you,” I explained. “To talk to you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s been five years…”

  “I know,” Julia said, her voice tight. “Which is why I don’t understand what good this will do. Why bother coming to Louis’s wake? Or chasing me down now?”

  “I told you, I just wanted to see you.”

  Julia glared into the distance. She tightened her arms around her chest and picked up her pace. She walked faster, telling me without speaking that it was time for me to walk away. I didn’t. I couldn’t. Now that I was finally talking to her, I didn’t want to stop.

  “No one told me you were back in town,” I said. I knew I sounded stupid, but I couldn’t stop myself. The words were flying out of my mouth at warped speed. I just wanted to hear her voice again.

  “Why would they? You’re not important to me anymore, Kellan.” The venom in her voice was like a punch to the stomach. My eyes never left her face. I waited to see if she would thaw even slightly, but she didn’t. Her eyes were focused on the sidewalk in front of us. She didn’t spare so much as a glance in my direction.

  For years, I dreamt of what it would be like to see her again. I played her voice over and over in my mind when I was out on a mission or when training became too monotonous. It kept me calm, centered. My memories of here were my anchor. Now, when I was finally getting the chance to be with her, she couldn’t even bother to look at me.

  Rage filled my body and I felt my face flush red. I told myself to stay calm, that she was just hurt after the way things ended between us. We didn’t need me turning into a bear in the middle of the street. It certainly wouldn’t help this conversation. To me, we’d ended with a possibility for a relationship again in the future. To Julia, it must have felt completely different.

  Still, my disappointment got the better of me. The longer we walked without Julia sparing me a glance, the angrier I became.

  “I don’t mean anything to you? Clearly. You couldn’t even call? Pick up the phone after all these years? After all the letters I wrote you?”

  “No. And I never should have come back.”

  “Why?” I demanded.

  “So, I could keep avoiding all of this! You trying to pull me back in. Make me your girl again. I am not your girl Kellan, and I never will be.”

  “We’ll see about that.”

  The words left my mouth before I realized what I was saying. She brought out the best and worst sides of me. My long-suppressed cockiness reared its ugly head again. In that moment, I knew it had been a mistake to let those words slip out, but I didn’t regret them. Not then and not later. Finally, Julia came to a full stop and turned to face me head on.

  “What did you just say?” Her eyes were narrowed dangerously.

  “I said you’ll be mine again, Julia,” I said.

  “That’s not going to happen Kellan,” she snapped.

  “You’ve been wrong before.” I spat back at her before walking away.

  Julia was my new mission, and this time, I wouldn’t fail.

  Twelve

  Julia

  “Jordan, I have been dreaming about these scones for so long,” I said into my phone. “You have no idea how amazing these things are.”

  “Bring me back a few,” he suggested.

  “Oh, I’m bringing back a dozen,” I assured him.

  “That’s the fatty I know and love,” he teased.

  “Watch it,” I warned. “You know I can fire you.”

  “You know you never would,” he said with confidence. I rolled my eyes and stepped further forward as the line at Angie’s began to move.

  After my encounter with Kellan the day before, I needed an Angie’s fix to get my day started. I woke up feeling younger than I’d felt in years. Just one conversation with Kellan and I was back to my old self again. Vulnerable. Exposed. I hated my old self.

  “How was the funeral?” Jordan asked, snapping me back to reality.

  “It was… fine,” I said with a shake of my head. I tried to clear my thoughts, but images of Kellan were flooding my mind. I saw his smiling face the night he told me about the Alphas. I saw him flush with rage just a few hours before. His dark eyes looked angrier than I’d ever seen them. I knew he had changed after we talked. It was his one way to get his aggression out. A run in the woods as a brown bear. It always helped him. And as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I would have loved to see that bear again.

  “Uh oh,” Jordan said.

 
“What?”

  “I know what that means,” he said.

  “You do?” I asked with a small chuckle. “And what does it mean?”

  “It means you ran into that old flame of yours. Leo? Kellan? Something like that.”

  I sighed deeply and looked up at the ceiling. I would never know how Jordan did it, but he could always hone in on the one thing I didn’t want to talk about. He had a sixth sense for things like that. It was probably his shifter side, an owl. Wise and chatty.

  “What old flame?” I asked evasively. Jordan snorted on the other end of the phone and I knew he didn’t buy it.

  “Talk to Jordan sweetie,” he said, putting on his therapist voice. “Come on. Tell me everything.”

  “Ugh,” I said. “Jordan, there really isn’t much to tell. I saw him. Kellan. I ran away. He found me. We talked. He ran away. The end.”

  “That is so not the end,” Jordan criticized. “You saw him. Kellan. For the first time in years and that’s all you have to say about it. Please.”

  “Don’t push this, okay?” I begged.

  “Julia, I only do this because I love you,” Jordan reminded me.

  “I know you do, but…”

  “And because I love you,” he interrupted. “It is my job to help you deal with these things. I can’t do that if you don’t talk to me about it.”

  “What makes you think I need help dealing with it?” I demanded.

  “Honey, we both know you can’t be trusted to do this on your own.”

  “Okay,” I said. “Fine.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Well,” I began, moving a step forward in line. “He came to my uncle’s wake. He just walked right in wearing a black suit and…”

  “How did he look?” Jordan asked.

  “Handsome,” I said. Even I knew that was an understatement. “Amazing, actually.”

  “Swoon, I do love those big burly bear types,” Jordan cooed. “Continue.”

  “He walked in. We made eye contact and I bolted. I just ran out of there as fast as I could. I didn’t stop running until I made it two streets over.”

  “Why?” Jordan asked. His tone suggested I was certifiably insane.

  “Because I’m chicken shit. I couldn’t face him,” I explained. “Not after everything.”

  “But you said you talked?” Jordan asked. “Did he follow you? Oh my God, did he run after you? Because that would just melt my heart.”

  “No, he didn’t follow me,” I scoffed. “That’s not Kellan’s style.”

  “Maybe it wasn’t five years ago, but you don’t know what his style is now.”

  “I guess that’s true,” I shrugged. “But, in any case, he didn’t follow me. I went back to the pub and found my mom. Everyone else was gone, so I decided to walk home. Kellan found me in the town square.”

  “What did he say?” Jordan demanded.

  “Nothing important,” I said, rolling my eyes again. “This isn’t a love story, Jordan. You aren’t going to be able to live vicariously through me on this one.”

  “I refuse to believe that,” Jordan said dismissively. I could almost see him waving his hand impatiently. “What did he say?”

  “He said he was sorry for my loss, that it was good to see me, that I looked beautiful… that kind of thing.”

  “Swoon!” Jordan said again.

  “Don’t do that!” I snapped. “He didn’t mean it. He was just playing into some script in his head that he’s been carrying around. Kellan left me, remember?”

  “And then he came back,” Jordan said.

  “No, I came back and I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t.”

  I sighed deeply and moved another step forward. It was almost my turn to order. I was ready to get off the phone with Jordan, but I knew he wasn’t done talking.

  “Julia,” Jordan said. “Listen to me, okay? Don’t let this become one of those things you don’t deal with.”

  “What do you mean?” I demanded.

  “You hide,” he said bluntly. “It’s what you do when things get rough. You run. You hide. You avoid. You, Julia Prewitt, are an avoider.”

  “I am not,” I argued.

  “You are,” Jordan insisted. “And that’s okay, because I get it. You’ve had to stay strong any way you could, but maybe it’s time to let your guard down.”

  “With Kellan?” I asked.

  “Yes, with Kellan,” Jordan hissed. “Are you telling me you don’t have any questions for him? That you haven’t thought about him once over the past five years?”

  “Of course, I have,” I said. “But…”

  “But nothing,” he said quickly. “This is your chance, Julia. All the unanswered questions you have, go get answers for them. And please, this time, don’t be mean to him.”

  “How do you know I was mean?”

  “Weren’t you?”

  I paused, not wanting to admit he was right. I sighed and closed my eyes for a fraction of a second.

  “Jordan,” I said weakly. “I was a total immature bitch.”

  “I know,” he said. “Next time you see him, be nice. Just talk to him. See what happens.”

  “And you’re sure that won’t open doors that are better left locked?”

  “It might,” he admitted. “But how will you know if you never take the chance to find out?”

  “You’re annoying,” I told him.

  “Don’t I know it,” he laughed.

  “I gotta go,” I told him. “I’m next in line.”

  “Don’t forget my scones,” he said. “Talk soon. Love ya.”

  He hung up right as I stepped up to the counter. I glanced at the display case beside me and my mouth immediately began to water.

  “I’ll have one lemon scone and one apple raisin, please,” I ordered with a smile.

  “We haven’t seen you around lately,” Angie said. “How have you been, Julia?”

  “I’ve been good,” I said. “Busy with work and things, but good.”

  “That’s nice to hear,” Angie nodded. She smiled kindly at me and I remembered why I loved her place. Everything here felt so homey and comfortable. The smell of vanilla and cinnamon was so strong you could smell it down the street. I loved it. “That’ll be $4.95.”

  “Okay,” I said, reaching my hand into my purse. I groped around for my wallet, but couldn’t find it. I wrenched the purse wide open and peered inside, but my wallet was nowhere to be found. I slapped my hand to my forehead as I realized I had left it in my parents’ kitchen. I was in such a hurry to leave the house that I hadn’t grabbed it.

  “Julia?” Angie asked.

  “I’m so sorry, Angie,” I sputtered. “I must have left my wallet at home…”

  “I got it,” a voice said from behind me. I spun around to see Kellan stepping out of line and making his way toward me. “Add a small coffee to that, please Angie.”

  “You got it,” Angie smiled.

  Kellan laid a ten-dollar bill on the counter and waved away his change. He picked up his coffee and my scones, leading the way outside. When we stepped onto the sidewalk I realized I was blushing with embarrassment.

  “Thank you,” I said with sincerity. “Really, I appreciate it.”

  “Hey,” he said. He handed me my bag of scones. Our hands brushed when I took it from him. I blushed deeper. “You helped me bypass the line. Technically, I owe you.”

  “If you say so,” I laughed.

  “You’re laughing,” he pointed out. “I guess that means you don’t hate me as much today.”

  “I’m sorry about yesterday, Kellan,” I said softly. “You just… you took me by surprise. I didn’t think I would see you again. Ever. I just wasn’t ready.”

  “It’s okay,” Kellan shrugged. “I probably deserved at least some hostility from you.”

  “Well yeah,” I smiled. “Just a smidge.”

  Kellan laughed and glanced nervously around. He shifted his feet from side to side and tucked his free hand inside his pocket. Wh
en our eyes met again, I saw a glimpse of the man I used to know. His dark eyes were deep with unspoken emotion. I couldn’t bring myself to look away.

  “Listen,” he said. “Julia… I…”

  “Do you want to sit down somewhere?” I asked quickly. “To talk? You know, catch up a little bit?”

  Kellan’s smile was one of relief.

  “I would love that,” he said. He gestured toward the benches across the street. I led the way, my scones gripped tightly in my shaking hands. I was more nervous than I’d ever been.

  When we slid onto the bench, Kellan took a sip of his coffee and pulled out my lemon scone. I took a bite to avoid talking too quickly.

  After a few minutes, I knew it was time to break the silence.

  “So,” I said. “Tell me everything.”

  Thirteen

  Kellan

  I didn’t expect to see her again so soon, but there she was. Standing at the counter with flushed cheeks. She was searching frantically in her purse for her wallet. She mumbled something to Angie and I moved forward without thinking. The next thing I knew, she was apologizing for being rude the day before. She was explaining herself and asking me to sit down and talk with her. I couldn’t believe how quickly things changed between us. Not even twenty-four hours before she couldn’t wait to get away from me.

  “Tell me everything,” she said as we sat down together. I sipped my coffee and she nibbled her scone. I could tell she was nervous.

  “Honestly,” I said. “I’d love to, but I really want to hear about you first. What’s your life like in New York?”

  Julia hesitated for a fraction of a second. She glanced nervously at my face with a shy smile before launching into her story.